I’ve said the words but they still don’t feel real. My darling husband, Phil, passed away on Sunday, September 15th from complications of sepsis. It’s still too painful to talk about what the two weeks before that looked like. Suffice it to say that this was sudden and unexpected and I still can’t quite wrap my head around it. Instead of trying to tell you all about Phil (because that would be a novel, not a post), I thought I’d share the letter I wrote him on our 20th anniversary and something that came later.
Dear Phil,
Today as I was driving I saw a pair of butterflies tossed together on a summer breeze. They danced together in the air for a brief time and flew off and it made me think of us. Together and apart we have been tossed on a myriad of life’s breezes. We have raised children, lost a child and quite possibly saved a child or maybe she saved us.
There have been good times and bad times, heartbreaking times and times that have lifted us up. I don’t believe there is only one person in the world for anyone. But I do believe that you choose the person that you love and you do your best to love them for life. Because loving is an act of courage, a tossing of your heart onto the perilous winds.
No matter where life’s breezes toss us, I will always and forever love you. Happy 20th anniversary and may we have many, many more.
I love you,
Beth
I only left the hospital three times when he was there. All three were to come home and shower. The last time I came home, I paused to watch a white butterfly dancing solo over our front lawn. As I watched, another butterfly joined it and they briefly danced together and then flew away. I felt as though Phil had sent me a little reminder that he knew how much I love him.
Friends, family, neighbors, quilting buddies, and co-workers have and continue to cover us with love and kindness in this dark time. I have a lot of worries but facing everything alone isn’t one of them. Our three girls have teamed up together to support one another and me as well. I could not have been prouder of them…how they supported each other, advocated for their dad and how much love was expressed between them. My brother and niece were with us for the whole journey and so many precious friends stayed by our side. All of those things mean so much.
Phil was a beloved guy. We used to joke that he was grumpy cat on the outside and marshmallow on the inside. He adored his girls, our cats, our friends and loved hanging out with the neighbors. He had a great laugh and a way of always making me feel like somehow everything would be ok. He is missed beyond words.
The great limitation of the English language is that it has no truly adequate words to express grief.
Thank you to everyone who expressed concern and good wishes on my last post. It’s not the ending we hoped for but I’m grateful for every prayer, good wish, hope or healing energy that was sent our way.
Bless you all.
Beth
